The Compass Rose

Parenting: Undesirable Language: The word HATE

Walking the tightrope between LOVE and HATE

I really don't like the word HATE although, I admit there are times that I've said, in the presence of my children...." I HATE it when that happens....or I HATE it when "People" are sooooo rude."

I've been on my soapbox about this word with my kids from time to time. I can just hear myself now. "HATE is a very strong word. It should be reserved for only the most detestable things and really shouldn't be used if you can think of any other word to use." I've even played MAMA DICTIONARY a time or two...."Do you know what that word means? do you? Well, let me show you how mean it is to say you HATE your sister....look right here on the online dictionary.....hold on....here it comes....Hate: intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury....now, I know you are mad at your sister, but you can't use intense hostility towards her over this issue....you need to calm down and think of a better way to talk to your sister...do you understand me? ...do YOU? I HATE it when you don't answer me!" OOPS there I go again....I should get the Hypocrisy OSCAR for that one. You know the old adage: Do as I say, not as I do.

Homework for Mom

This is one parenting issue that I know I need to work on, and with time I'm sure I can get out of this destructive pattern. There is nothing that makes me cringe than hearing one of my little ones say in anger, "Mommy, I HATE you!" The instant I hear that phrase, I immediately wish that my little one's ears would have never heard the word HATE."

Ryleigh: (just after waking up this very COLD morning) "Mommy, I want SODA in my sippy cup."

Me: "Oh, I think milk is a much better choice."

Ryleigh: "Mommy, I want SODA in my sippy cup...now. It is in the pantry!"

Me: "You are right it is in there. We had SODA last night with dinner for a special treat, but this morning you should have milk. Milk makes strong teeth and bones....and muscles."

Ryleigh: " I DON'T WANT strong teeth or musk-cuhls! I WANT SODA!" (She proceeds to throw herself on the floor in a kicking in circles tantrum) "I HATE MILK! I HATE YOU MOMMY!"

I know that this simply isn't true.....She DOES NOT HATE MILK, in fact she drinks milk every day...AND she doesn't hate me either. I proceed to put the milk in the sippy cup and sit it on the counter ignoring her tantrum and her viscious use of the word "HATE".

Me: "I'm putting this on the counter. You can have it when you are ready."

Ryleigh:" I HATE YOU MOMMY! I HATE YOU MOMMY!"

Me: " I LOVE YOU!"

Ryleigh: " I HATE YOU!"

Me: "I LOVE YOU!"

Timing is everything

There is a brief intermission as I go into the laundry room and begin to take the clothes from the dryer. I've learned over the years that sometimes you must just walk away. Attention to bad behavior is still attention and that can fuel a tantrum. Suddenly a little voice says, " Mommy....I'm sorry. (pause) I love you!" We embrace with great affection. "Remember, your sippy is on the counter." She smiles so angelically and flaps her little angel wings to the kitchen to get her sippy cup. I stand very still and take in the warmth of the clothes fresh from the dryer, deliberating over when the best time will be for my soapbox "don't use the word hate speech". I think it will be perfect lunch conversation over a peanut butter sandwich and ....what else? A sippy cup of milk!

Mary Kidd Flemming, Family Coach Crossroads Professional Counseling and Family Life Center and mother of six spirited kids

Behavior Problems in Families: 4 Points in the Parenting Compass

The Compass Rose is a navigational tool used by mariners for centuries to help them find their way and to understand the prevailing winds. The Crossroads Professional Counseling and Family Life Center blog, The Compass Rose, is a place for parents to find direction as they guide their family through life's often turbulent waters. The first step is to realize that all behavior is communication. Every behavior your child exhibits, is a window into the thoughts, feelings, and motivations of your child. There are four directions your child may go in when misbehaving. Understanding these motivational factors will help you to understand why your child does what he does, when he does it. Then, you can better chart the course for a successful parenting strategy.

NORTH: Need for Attention

Everyone likes to be noticed. Children especially have an innate need to be seen and recognized.

Scenario One: Imagine your family together in a boat on a peaceful lake. You are enjoying a quiet conversation with your spouse while the children are taking in the view. All of the sudden, Johnny begins to splash everyone, brag about his rowing abilities and ultimately rocks the once peaceful boat. What do you do? Probably, Dad yells, "Sit down and be quiet" while Mom frantically reaches for Johnny screaming, "You are going to fall in, or knock your sister overboard!" Your tranquil boating trip is now a fullblown tempest. You all arrive on shore exhausted and disenchanted.

Next time, you decide to take the boat trip you have foresight. You realize that children need to be engaged by their parents during activities. Remembering to make eye contact, engage them in frequent conversation, and allowing them to be noticed frequently, says to the child, "I'm glad you are here with me. I am enjoying your company." They will have no need to misbehave because they will be receiving the attention they most desire.

SOUTH: Need for Control

Being in charge of one's destiny is a bi-product of free-will.

Scenario Two:  Back in the boat again on the peaceful lake. Today, you decided to take just your two oldest children on a special outing. As you are leaving the dock, you have a decision to make, left or right? So, you ask the kids. Immediately they begin to bicker. Johnny wants to go right and Mary wants to go left. You, as the parent make an executive decision and decide to go right today because that was the best fishing spot last time. Mary becomes obstinate. She throws her oar down in the boat, crosses her arms and says, "I'm not rowing today if we are going right!"  For the next ten minutes you get the silent treatment despite trying to communicate with your daughter. She attempts to use her silence to convince you to change your mind. You resolve that in the future you will devise a plan with your children before going on the trip which allows them both to have equal turns in decision-making. Respecting, of course, your exclusive right to use your veto powers at anytime you deem appropriate.

EAST: Need for Escape

When life gets overwhelming there is a natural fight or flight response. When we decide to flee, we find ourselves motivated by a need to escape the situation.

Scenario Three:  Same boat. Same lake. The entire family onboard. Johnny had expressed to you earlier that he really didn't "feel like" going on a "dumb" fishing trip. You are tired of him always wanting to be alone and insist that the family needs this time together, AND you don't want to hear any more about it! A few minutes after leaving the dock, the sun is bearing down, the baby is crying and your teenage son jumps overboard. As you all peer into the water, Johnny says, "I'm sorry.. I'll meet you on shore". Stunned, you try to seperate yourself from your disappointment at the terrible and dangerous example he set for the other children and the fact that you are pretty certain he just ruined his new IPOD. When you get to shore, you decide to calmly discuss the opposition to the family time with your teenager. You listen and offer him ways to "escape" before or after the next trip without making such a big SPLASH!

WEST: Need for Belonging

We all have a need to feel like we belong. Children can often take this to great extremes in order to feel truly accepted.

Scenario Four: Our last boat trip. Mary has just returned from a sleepover with her new friend Molly. She begged for Molly to accompany the family on the boating excursion and you agreed. Immediately, you recognize that your normally respectful daughter has picked up a few new "sassy" and "sarcastic" phrases you'd never heard her use before. Together they begin to pick at and tease little brother Tommy and giggle. When he asks what they are laughing at, they just roll their eyes and say, "Boys are soooo dumb!" Tommy starts crying uncontrollably and refuses to sit down in the boat. While you comfort Tommy you discuss with your daughter and her new friend alternative ways to have fun without teasing siblings. You restructure the situation to make Molly feel welcome in your pre-established environment and encourage your daughter to be herself.

Posted by: John A. Flemming, LPC and Mary Kidd Flemming

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