Parenting: Undesirable Language: The word HATE

Walking the tightrope between LOVE and HATE

I really don't like the word HATE although, I admit there are times that I've said, in the presence of my children...." I HATE it when that happens....or I HATE it when "People" are sooooo rude."

I've been on my soapbox about this word with my kids from time to time. I can just hear myself now. "HATE is a very strong word. It should be reserved for only the most detestable things and really shouldn't be used if you can think of any other word to use." I've even played MAMA DICTIONARY a time or two...."Do you know what that word means? do you? Well, let me show you how mean it is to say you HATE your sister....look right here on the online dictionary.....hold on....here it comes....Hate: intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury....now, I know you are mad at your sister, but you can't use intense hostility towards her over this issue....you need to calm down and think of a better way to talk to your sister...do you understand me? ...do YOU? I HATE it when you don't answer me!" OOPS there I go again....I should get the Hypocrisy OSCAR for that one. You know the old adage: Do as I say, not as I do.

Homework for Mom

This is one parenting issue that I know I need to work on, and with time I'm sure I can get out of this destructive pattern. There is nothing that makes me cringe than hearing one of my little ones say in anger, "Mommy, I HATE you!" The instant I hear that phrase, I immediately wish that my little one's ears would have never heard the word HATE."

Ryleigh: (just after waking up this very COLD morning) "Mommy, I want SODA in my sippy cup."

Me: "Oh, I think milk is a much better choice."

Ryleigh: "Mommy, I want SODA in my sippy cup...now. It is in the pantry!"

Me: "You are right it is in there. We had SODA last night with dinner for a special treat, but this morning you should have milk. Milk makes strong teeth and bones....and muscles."

Ryleigh: " I DON'T WANT strong teeth or musk-cuhls! I WANT SODA!" (She proceeds to throw herself on the floor in a kicking in circles tantrum) "I HATE MILK! I HATE YOU MOMMY!"

I know that this simply isn't true.....She DOES NOT HATE MILK, in fact she drinks milk every day...AND she doesn't hate me either. I proceed to put the milk in the sippy cup and sit it on the counter ignoring her tantrum and her viscious use of the word "HATE".

Me: "I'm putting this on the counter. You can have it when you are ready."

Ryleigh:" I HATE YOU MOMMY! I HATE YOU MOMMY!"

Me: " I LOVE YOU!"

Ryleigh: " I HATE YOU!"

Me: "I LOVE YOU!"

Timing is everything

There is a brief intermission as I go into the laundry room and begin to take the clothes from the dryer. I've learned over the years that sometimes you must just walk away. Attention to bad behavior is still attention and that can fuel a tantrum. Suddenly a little voice says, " Mommy....I'm sorry. (pause) I love you!" We embrace with great affection. "Remember, your sippy is on the counter." She smiles so angelically and flaps her little angel wings to the kitchen to get her sippy cup. I stand very still and take in the warmth of the clothes fresh from the dryer, deliberating over when the best time will be for my soapbox "don't use the word hate speech". I think it will be perfect lunch conversation over a peanut butter sandwich and ....what else? A sippy cup of milk!

Mary Kidd Flemming, Family Coach Crossroads Professional Counseling and Family Life Center and mother of six spirited kids

Comments

[Trese]

Bravo Mary. Loved the added, "timing is everything." So many parents want to hit the problem straight on when little ears, and big ears, are closed.