Co-Parenting: In Raising Children, Two Heads Are Better Than One
“Daddy can I have a piece of chocolate cake?”
“What did your mom say?”
“She said ask Daddy.”
“Ok then!”……… Dad is great gives you chocolate cake!
Once again, Dad was duped by those big blue eyes and has to answer to an angry wife. Mom wants to know what planet he came from, where chocolate cake before dinner was a good idea. “But….she said…that you said… to ask Daddy.” Once again, Dad is played as a fool. At least his little girl still loves him.
Co-Parenting: Active Communication and Lack of Discord
This story illustrates one of the most important, but yet one of the most difficult aspects of raising children…working together. Psychologists call this skill co-parenting. Basically, having a great deal of communication and very little discord will make you a master of this skill. Sounds easy , but the task is super human. Two people seldom agree on everything. In fact, always agreeing would make for a pretty boring marriage and would not allow for growth from either side. The key is to work out these differences ahead of time if at all possible or to work on it away from the kids. If they hear there is a disagreement they will work it to their advantage (you can’t blame a kid for trying).
If you cannot agree on the issue, then agree to a system you can use to resolve the conflict. Take turns, play rock paper scissors, draw straws, do anything but fight. Life is too short and your kids will give you plenty of issues, so you will get your way soon enough.
Communication and Discord
There are two key factors that influence how parents interact and how successful they will be with their children: Communication and discord. A peaceful and stable home requires both. If both of these are present, then you will have successful co-parenting producing happy and healthy children. If either or both are missing then you have a problem.
Passive Communication and Lack of Discord If you have passive communication and a lack of discord, you find yourself engaged in a form of parallel parenting. Both mother and father are doing their own thing, but do not have a common goal. Sure there is no conflict but that does not mean that all is well. A ship with two captains can not navigate through the rough waters that it may face. A child then becomes entangled between two courses that may run in opposite directions.
Active Communication and High Discord Active communication and high discord is a family at war. Fighting is the norm and the children are the casualties. This is a marriage and a family that is chronically unhappy. Children often shrink into themselves and can become self destructive at the extremes or they recoil like a viper and strike out at their world. The marriage is usually not on stable ground then the children risk the dissolution of their family.
Passive Communication and High Discord Passive communication and high discord is the silent killer of parenting: passive aggression. Children are the pawns in a viscous game between mom and dad; the game of getting back or getting even. I may not come out and tell you what I want but you will surely know. Children soon learn this pattern and become pros. This will damage their ability to form successful relationships in life which is very sad.
So what can you do about this problem? Be aware, reflect, analyze, and commit to co-parenting. The key is to talk about it, perhaps over a piece of chocolate cake.
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